I'm not one to vent my personal frustrations in public places, but I need to put my thoughts somewhere. And since it's nearly been a year from my last post, and it's my personal blog, and I'm sure not very many people read this anyway, I decided to write my thoughts here.
Scott and I have been trying for a second baby, and just like before, I cant get pregnant. We have been trying for over a year now, and I'm losing my patience. When we were trying for Peyton I didn't know if i could even have children and so we just kept trying and trying. And after two years we finally got our miracle. But this time it's different. I KNOW I can have children, but it's just not happening. I keep telling myself "It will happen", and "The lord has a plan for me and my family". But I can only tell myself that for so long before it sounds ridiculous.
This time around, my doctor has put me on two full pills of clomid. I was only on a pill and a half when I got pregnant with Peyton. it feels like my body has become immune to the fertility meds. But on the bright side I could possibly have twins!! It makes me nervous to even think about having twins, and it might not even happen, But I'll take what I can get. Part of me does wish for twins so that I won't have to go through this hell again.
I'm trying to stay positive through this whole thing, because I do believe that positive thoughts help. But I'm human and eventually the negative thoughts begin to seep into my heart and mind. That's another reason why I'm writing about this. If I can get all the negative thoughts out of my head I'll have more room for the positive.
My family has been a great help in staying positive. When i see my brother's two sons, who are four years apart, I see what great friends they are. Jack is such a good big brother and Ben wants to be just like Jack. Watching them play together makes me realize that even if my kids are more than a couple of years apart they can still be the best of friends and have so much fun together. Also, my family isn't pushy about us having more kids. They understand that it's difficult for us, and they are so supportive of us. And those who ask about us having a baby are truly concerned and want to be supportive. And honestly, talking about it is a huge help.
I want to thank all my family and friends. You are such a comfort to me and Scott. You have been such an amazing support system for us. We have felt your love and encouragement, and we know that the Lord has heard our prayers. I know that I have to be patient, and have faith in my Heavenly Father. I know He understands the frustrations that I'm having more than anyone else. And I know He loves me, and knows and wants what's best for me. We all have trials that we must endure, and I know there are others out there going through worse things than I am. But I know there is a reason for every heartache, and every tear shed. The Lord has a plan for us and if we just have faith in Him anything is possible. And He will provide a way.